


Bloody Demons

by myfineasymptote



Series: That One Demon Au [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Slow Build, Too busy working to deal with your crush shit!Touka, ahaha juuzou is just a cameo, anyway this is a silly little demon au, demon!Kaneki, dork!Hide, for now, it began as a drabble on tumblr and things, knowing me everyone is gonna be here, see mfa this is why you aren't allowed to drink tequila anymore, things got a little out of hand, upped the rating because LANGUAGE Kaneki, what what what what
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:37:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3891475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfineasymptote/pseuds/myfineasymptote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide has a bit of a problem. There's this new cafe he's found with a gorgeous waitress, but everytime he tries to talk to her his tongue gets twisted and he words vomits pathetically. To help solve this problem, Hide may or may not have accidentally summoned a demon. A demon who's way too distractingly sexy for Hide's own good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heheh the title is funny because it could refer to the blood you summon them with or the british curse word
> 
> what you think dork Hide writes itself heck no I have earned every inch of this stupid humor and awkward mumbling.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our """""Hero""""" is introduced

If asked, Hide would not say he was particularly observant or intuitive. He just often got feelings that happened to be right. So when he got the feeling throughout most of primary and secondary school that all of his classmates were fuckwads who were just pretending to like him, well, what was he supposed to do? It's not like he treated them any differently! As far as the world was concerned, Hide was a perfectly nice young man who preferred to keep to himself.

If someone were to pay a bit more attention, they might notice that Hide wasn't ignoring the world around him, as was often assumed, but people-watching. In fact, it could be said that Hide's favorite hobby was finding a nice place to cozy spot to curl up in and watch the people pass him by. It was fun daydreaming about people's lives; trying to guess what a conversation from across the room was about, what the couple in the corner were quietly arguing over, why the middle-aged man in a business suit was frowning at his expensive watch. 

This hobby had allowed him to refine a particular sixth sense for people's true intentions, and one would think it would help him to be, as the kids these days say, "one smooth-ass mother fucker". One would be horribly mistaken.

His years of isolation as a growing man had engendered in him an unfortunate tendency to blurt out the first thing off the top of his, and come hell or high water it was not a force he could reign in. 

Which is why one grey dusky Sunday, as he was meandering down a street not far from the Kamii campus, (a common occurrence on weekends, holidays, and all throughout may) an open bookstore caught his eye. ‘Strange,’ he thought to himself, ‘I know I've been here before but I've never seen this place. What sort of name is Anteiku? Hmm. Must have just opened.’

Shrugging off a strange prickling of unease, Hide opened the store and saw the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his entire life.

Her name tag simply read “Touka” with no indication if it was a first or last name. She had been wiping down a table when he first entered- an expression of calm and tranquility, beautiful lips pursed in concentration, gorgeous dark hair sweeping in her eyes- but she looked up to greet him. A soft smile, a breathy “Welcome to Anteiku,” later, and Hide was hooked.

This was it. There was no way he could ever look at any other ordinary woman again, this fae creature easily beat them in every category. If Hide believed in heaven, he would say he must have died because this vision could not exist on Earth. Luckily, he did not, he was not, and most importantly,  _he could totally ask this babe out on a hot date_.

Flashing his most winning smile, Hide quipped, “Know any good coffee shops around here? You seem like you know what makes a good cup of Joe.”

After a long moment of silence, Touka dryly replied, “Well I do work in a coffee shop. You can order over there.” She jerked her thumb behind her to point at a man with a killer pompadour- whom promptly gave a cheery wave and friendly smile- before turning back to wiping down the table.

Stammering, Hide fled from the obvious dismissal and glared fiercely at the menu, reeling. The sign hadn't said anything about coffee, had it? And it was almost wall-to-wall covered in bookshelves. This menu was shoved in a corner behind the counter. Wouldn't it be logical to assume this was a bookshop if he had never been in here before?? Oh god Hide just made an idiot out of himself in front of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen oh god oh god oh god-

“Don’t mind Touka-chan, she’s always like that.” So lost was he in his mental meltdown, Hide visibly started at the cashier’s (barrister’s?) quiet interruption. The barrister-  _Koma, his name tag says Koma_ \- “She’s got a bit of a short temper, but she’s nice enough once you get to know her. Don’t worry, nobody realizes we sell coffee at first.” Glancing around, Koma picked up a rag and began absently polishing a nearby cup, speech apparently finished.

Hide digested this as he ordered his favorite- coffee with a shot of chocolate, cream, leave room for whipped cream- and by the time the drink was finished, Hide had come up with a response.

In his most serious voice, he whispered, “Why do you have all these books if you sell coffee?”

Koma considered for several minutes. He seemed to mull over multiple possible responses. As he thought, his expressions darkened, lightened, and twisted in some unseen argument. The answer took so long that Hide actually began to worry. Was there some awful, dark reason that he had never seemed to notice this shop before? Was it haunted? The home of some dark demon magic? Perhaps these books held a dark supernatural power, never meant to be viewed through the light of day- Koma cleared his throat. Finally, the answer. The reason for these dark tomes in an otherwise quaint little coffee shop. The air tensed with anticipation. “I have no goddamn idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited to make Hide less of an angsty little shit. (I mean _jesus_ did you read that first half? Get your nose out of the Philosophy 101 book mfa, you aren't fooling anyone.
> 
> ~~when is kaneki gonna show up~~


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next few weeks, Hide visited Anteiku several times. Not just to check out their insanely gorgeous waitress! For having such a large campus Kamii isn’t in a particularly busy part of Tokyo, and there aren’t really any nearby places where students can study and drink coffee in peace. Most everything near campus is student housing, crowded restaurants, or noisy bars.

For some reason, Anteiku is always very peaceful, quiet, and just busy enough to create a soft murmur of background conversation. And Hide is starting to get a little suspicous.

Reason 1: Anteiku is ridiculously close to campus. Like three blocks away. Even if their food, coffee, and atmosphere was shitty and loud, it would be packed with students to immersed in their studies to give a shit.  
Reason 2: Their coffee and food are not shit. It’s delicous. On his third visit, Hide ordered a black coffee on Touka’s recommendation. It was the best goddamn coffee he had ever tasted, and Hide hates black coffee with a capital F. On his second visit, he orded the most divine piece of coffee cake he had ever tasted. Ever since he has orded a different dessert and has yet to be disappointed, much to the displeasure of his waistline.  
Reason 3: Midterms are in a week and a half. Hide is the only one in the room under the age of thirty-five. Something is very wrong here.

On top of that, there is just a strange sense of… unease that he can not seem to shake. There’s no quiet ominous faux-latin chanting or ghoulish organ or creepy owl hooting on a dark moonless night on a dead tree. The closest thing to any of that is manager Yoshimura’s adorable little chibi owl he wears on Wednesdays because, in his words, “It’s a hoot to wear!”. Hide has taken it upon himself to rid himself of this unsettling feeling through sheer force of exposure. And it’s not at all because of the way Touka’s eyes crinkle when she laughs.

It is in one of the exposure sessions, as Hide is procrastinating studying for his abnormal psych midterm in two days (“Chapters 1- 7, skip 2, 4, 5, and the last three sections of 7!”) - by flipping through a random book on the table when something catches his eye. It’s a beautiful painted picture of a male figure with strange red ribbons emerging from his back. Hide is so busy trying to determine if the man is or is not a tentacle monster that he does not notice the manager walking up behind him.

“Ah, I see you’re interested in demons, Hideyoshi-kun. Be careful of that one, it can get messy if they catch you!” He chuckles, as if making a joke to himself.

“Messy?” Hide repeats innocently. Oh god it really is a tentacle monster.

“Ghouls survive by consuming human flesh,” Yoshimura clarifies. Damn.

Three days after what Hide would later ominously refer to as “the beginning of the end”, Hide was cheerfully making his way toward Anteiku. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and a lovely spring breeze seemed to be pushing him onward. 

Three in the afternoon, finished with exams, and a lovely day. All signs seemed to be pointing to the perfect day to ask a certain someone on a date. Skipping the last few feet to the familiar door, Hide swept in and happily greeted his favorite waitress. 

Even Touka seemed to be affected by the nice weather, offering Hide a small smile rather than his usual nod of acknowledgment.  _Alright, don’t fuck this up_.

“So Touka-chan, would you go to a movie with me?”

“Right now? I’m working.”

“I know! I meant sometime after work. Unless you work always. But I know you don’t because you’re not always here, so sometimes you probably go home…” 

“I don’t like movies.” At that, a small flicker of annoyance flashed across her face before she schooled it into a blank expression. With a small sigh that might have been a huff, Touka turned and marched away.  _Aaaand you fucked it up._

“Oh my gosh,” a loud voice announced just behind him, “that was just the cutest thing!”

A strange purple-haired girl with glasses was grinning at him. “You,” she purred, drifting closer, “have no idea how to talk to girls, do you?”

Stammering, Hide backed into a wall. Why were there so many gorgeous girls around here? And why were none of them in his classes at Kamii? 

Inches from his nose, Glasses snapped her fingers and whipped around to reach into her bag. “I have just the thing! Here!” With that, she pressed a heavy book into his chest. 

“Um, what-?” Suddenly she was pressed against him, whispering seductively in his ear. “Page 145 should have what you’re looking for. If you need any help, just ask around here for Rize.” With a giggle and a perfectly executed hair flip, she sashayed out of the coffee shop. 

Stiffly Hide made his way to the bathroom in the back of the shop, praying no one thought anything suspicious of the way he held the book to hide his crotch.

* * *

That night, he flipped through the book Rize gave him. It was… interesting, to say the least.

Interesting is a good word for a book that seems to be half-written in a language you don’t recognize.

Granted, Hide has never been the best at English, but he can’t even make sense of some of these glyphs. And the words he does understand don’t help much. They’re written in a very old and archaic form of Japanese, and the ink it’s written in seems to be faded for some reason. 

But what he does understand, well… 

It reminds him of the book Yoshimura spoke to him about, only about a thousand times more intense. Anteiku’s book read like one of those fake documentary things or like a guide to a videogame. It had all sorts of factoids and blurbs about mythical creatures… Rize’s book has sentences like, “To kill the beast before ye, carve out its innards and cut them in twain and sprinkle grave dust o’er its corpse by the light of dawn ere it rises again”

It was…  _not_ what he was expecting after a jab at his wooing abilities. Honestly, it’s just really creeping him out and he is looking forward to throwing it in the freezer so he can sleep in peace tonight.

Page 135.. 139.. 141… 147, wait shit back a bit…

“Specialized Demons,” Hide read aloud. Well, that was a good start…

While most evil creatures take pleasure in evil… blah blah blah… Feeding in other manners… something something- wait, ghouls?

Hide’s mind stuttered to a stop. “Some types of ghouls feed in the baser parts of sin, through eating the flesh, the blood, or seed of man”

_Oh my god it really is a tentacle monster_

* * *

The next morning Hide awoke with a start. With a yawn and a stretch, he shook off the remaining vestiges of the dream- something about being chased by mutant red blood octopi- and went to brush his teeth and shave. Just a few steps from his bedroom door, however, disaster struck. A misplaced sock, a poorly chosen step, and a box he’d been meaning to move later and Hide was sitting on the toilet seat, cursing his luck.

Tilting his head back, Hide gingerly felt the tender area around his nose. It didn’t  _seem_  broken, but it sure hurt like hell. Sighing, Hide resigned himself to not be able to leave his apartment for a few days. It would probably be for the best to let Touka cool off anyway.

Once the bleeding had started slowing down, Hide grabbed several handfuls of tissues and wandered back into his room. Frowning, he noticed Rize’s book lying on the floor.  _I guess it would be kinda rude to mistreat it_ too  _badly_ , he thought, grabbing it. 

With nothing else to do, he flipped back to the page from last night. And nearly dropped the book.  _He could read the glyphs now_. HE COULD READ THE GLYPHS NOW! There they were, clear as day in plain, modern Japanese! In his excitement, he began mumbling the words to himself, not even noticing that once they left his lips the words twisted with some ancient arcane magic into something unpronounceable by the human tongue.

As he reached the end of the page, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and a feeling of abject terror washed over him. He was no longer alone in the room. Looking up, he saw a pleasant-looking dark-haired boy sitting on his bed. 

“Hi there, I’m Kaneki.”

_Oh no he’s hot_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahaha the only notes I had for this chapter were "where the fuck are all the college students", "tentacle monster" and "oh no he's hot"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide is a boss-ass bitch and Kaneki figures out his one weakness
> 
>  
> 
> pffft no  
> NOW HAS A PART 2! From now on I'll just be posting chapters, don't worry. ~~wouldn't it be funny if i posted it entirely in spanish hash tag use your own language day~~  
>  Also also 25 kudos it hasn't even been up for a full day I love all of you so much  
> ヽ( ﾟヮ・)ノ.･ﾟ*｡･♥

_This can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening_

“Um, excuse me, mister…?”

_There is not a demon knocking on my bathroom door it’s just a hallucination it’s not real not real_

The quiet knocking continues despite Hide’s best attempts to ignore it.

“Mister, please don’t lock yourself in the bathroom.”

 _Any second now this is all going to disappear and I am going to wake up from a **really**  weird dream_.

A soft sigh comes from outside the door, and a moment of silence. 

“If you come out, I’ll make you some coffee. I’m fairly good at it, I’m told…”

_Curses. My one weakness._

* * *

Twelve minutes later Hide is sitting as far away from the demon as he can without falling off his tiny couch, clutching his coffee mug as if his life depended on it. He is also desperately trying not to be distracted by Kane- _the demon_  sipping his own cup of coffee and licking the rim of his cup…

“So,” the demon begins, almost shyly,”what did you want me to do?”

The complete and utter confusion Hide feels must be obvious, because Kaneki gives him the most adorable little smile of reassurance. “You summoned me. You know what the words meant, don’t you? ‘Bring forth a demon-’”

“’And bind them to my will,’” Hide finished quietly. 

Several moments passed in silence as both boys stared into their coffee.

Clearing his throat, for the first time Hide turned to look the demon in the eye. 

“I don’t have anything for you to do, sorry.”

Hide wasn't sure what he expected- apathy, relief, happiness to finally leave perhaps- but a look of wild panic was not what he expected.

“Please,” the demon boy’s voice hitched higher in panic, “Just tell me to do something! Any little thing!”

“I- I told you! I don’t have anything!” Hide spluttered.

Suddenly Kaneki was standing, too close- “Please, it can be something stupid, like pick up a spoon-” why was Kaneki standing so close, why did Hide’s face feel like it was on fire, why did he keep finding himself staring at Kane- the demon’s lips “-or even make you more coffee! It does not have to-”

“I- I have to go!” Hide interrupted, and hastily fled out the door, ignoring Kaneki’s protests of “Wait! I can’t leave unless you-”

He needed to go talk to Rize. 

 

* * *

Hide walked quickly down the streets, paying very little attention to where he was going. Man, what was wrong with him just now? He isn't exactly a very touchy-feely kind of guy, but he's never felt like he's wanted to... to...  _attack_ someone for standing so close to him.  _And I'm not even going to think about **how** exactly I wanted to attack him._   _With my mouth bad thought bad thought thought_

Luckily, that train of thought flew off the tracks and exploded into a fiery doom when someone roughly bumped into him. With a hushed, "Watch it!" to the strange blond? White-haired? Kid, he continued along his way, thankfully without incident.

That is, without incident until he reached Anteiku. Or rather, where it should have been.

 _What. the._   **fuck.** Gnashing his teeth, Hide glared at the stretch of brick wall where he  _knew_ Anteiku was. It was right here, on Nakyua Street, just past Asahi Crossing. The third, no wait, fourth building down.  _Where the heck is it_.

The thought suddenly occurred to Hide that if Rize's book was the reason Kaneki was here, and through Anteiku was the only way he knew to contact Rize, then _holy shit he's going to be stuck with a demon_

Gently Hide bumped his head against the brick wall and cursed his weird ass life. Well, at least mid-terms were over so he had plenty of time to stress over what to do with Kaneki.

With a small sigh of frustration, Hide began walking up and down all the nearby streets, on the off chance his chance encounter with the box which had started all of this had given him a concussion. _You know your day isn't going well when a concussion is the **better**_ option.

* * *

Several hours later, Hide trudges his way up the stairs to his apartment, feet aching. He had checked everywhere for Anteiku, and had gone to every place in a five mile radius and asked about Rize. Nothing.

 _Hopefully Damien over here didn't mess up my apartment too badly._  Slowly opening the door, he announced his return and flung off his shoes.

After ten seconds of silence, Hide felt a small bubble of hope rise up in him. Had the demon left? Was his luck finally turning around?

Stepping quickly into the kitchen, Hide realized that the universe just loved to hate him. Not only was Kaneki sitting at the table looking at him like a deer in headlights- and where the heck had he gotten that eye patch from- next to him was a young girl with dirty blonde hair, and just behind her was-

"Touka-chan," Hide breathed, "what are you doing here?"

Touka gave him her best small worried frown and opened her mouth to reply when she was interrupted by the little girl piping in. "Excuse me, but why did you summon my big brother? Big sister and I were really worried about him!"

Oh fuck this must be why they say you should never date her sister...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I forgot THREE CHAPTERS IN A ROW I am going to tell you now that [my tumblr ](http://myfineasymptote.tumblr.com/) is the same as my A03 username. Come find me and bug me to do things. I promise I'll respond with lots of exclamation points and emojis.  
> (May 7th only: Don't freak out, it's Use your own language day/practice a second one on tumblr I don't normally post in spanish, haha)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide finds out that Kaneki is a guy who used to do a thing  
>  ~~and then they frick~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *casually posts chapter a day late like it ain't no thang* I don't know what you are talking about, I totally did not get writer's block and then lose half a chapter to internet shenanigans. *sigh*

Ever the master of eloquence, Hide splutters, "I-I, I mean, you-" 

"What Hina-chan  _means_ to say is," Touka interrupts, leveling Hide with a steady glare, "if you brought him here to hurt him, I will  **end** you."

Hide has no reply to that. After a few seconds of blinking inelegantly at her and (Hina-chan?)'s suspicious glares, Kaneki takes pity on him.

"She doesn't actually mean that," he says, smiling faintly and scratching at his eye patch (was he uncomfortable wearing it? maybe not used to it? so many questions) "And I told you," This is directed to the little girl and literal goddess Touka- "he said he doesn't know. I don't think he meant to summon me."

At that, Hide finally manages to find his voice. "Yeah, I didn't. I mean, I still can't believe this is happening. Things have gotten so messed up. Ever since Rize gave me that book-"

"You know Rize?!" All three of his guests are staring at him in shock. Hina looks slightly confused, as if she had never heard the name before, Kaneki's eyes are wide as dinner plates (and is it just Hide, or have they always been that pretty holy wow), and Touka is staring at him like he'd just confessed to murdering someone. "I- I met her once, at Anteiku-" 

"Rize was at Anteiku?!" Okay, now Touka looked like he'd just confessed to killing her boyfriend.  _Quick change the subject change the subject-!_

 "And anyway- where the heck is Anteiku?"  _Wow, if there was a way to phrase that without sounding like an idiot, that sentence was not it, Genius._  "I went to go find her today. To ask about," he gestures at Kaneki, "all of this. I couldn't find it. I just kept walking in circles, and..."

Kankeki's voice is soft, almost in wonder, as he says,  "You really don't know what you are doing here, do you?" When Hide looks up, the boy- no, demon- is smiling kindly at him.

"You can't find Anteiku if you're upset," the little girl cut in, nodding sagely. After a moment of hesitation, she asks Hide's name.

"Err- Nagachicka Hideyoshi. But you can just call me Hide; that's what all my friends do." Hide gives her a weak smile and tries not to think, _If I had any._

The little girl beams at him in return, introducing herself as Fueguchi Hinami. Her smile immediately relaxes all tension in the room, and Hide makes a mental note to ask if she wants to work with people when she grows up. Assuming that he sees her again, of course. 

Even Touka looks more relaxed, giving him the dead pan expression she wore whenever interacting with someone at work. "This should be simple than," She says lightly, "Release Kaneki."

"I have no idea what that is supposed to mean," Hide says, a note of frustration beginning to color his tone.  _Why_ do these people keep assuming that he's doing something inappropriate to Kaneki?! He's barely had two conversations with the guy! 

Touka's eyes narrow. "Like hell-"

Kaneki interjects quietly, "It's part of the spell." Hide's confusion must be evident, because he continues patiently, "The spell that summoned me here, to the demon world. The spell that you cast."

_Oh, he must mean-_ "The one from Rize's book." 

"Rize gave you a book." Touka says sharply. "Show me."

Wordlessly Hide leads them to his bedroom and the hateful book that created this mess.

* * *

 

 "It was definitely the blood," Hide does not understand how Kaneki can talk and read at the same time. Talented and attractive was just simply not fair. More importantly, however,  _what._ "So nearly breaking my nose led to me being able to read another language? That doesn't make any sense." 

"Blood has power," Kaneki mummers,  still flipping through the pages of the "demonic rituals" book, as Kaneki had called it. ("But it has a bunch of stuff about killing demons!" "This book is from medieval Europe, they had to disguise it so it wouldn't be burned by the Catholics. Most of the information except the rituals are fake.")

Hide yawns and stretches. Touka and Hina-chan had left hours ago, promising to keep in touch and call in the morning to see if they had found the way to release Kaneki. Kaneki only knew of two methods- the request one, which Hide could not help being unhelpful with ("I seriously don't want anything right now. Wait, could I ask you to go make me a cup of coffee?" "I really doubt that would work." "But didn't you say before-" "Before? When I could barely think straight because you were so panicked?" "I wasn't panicki- wait, can you or can you not sense my emotions." "A... Little?" "Oh, ok.") and another method at the question of which resulted in a (remarkably adorable) blush and a change of subject.

Kanekeki had decided to check the spell and other rituals in the book to see if there was anything he could find, while Hide was left to "rack his brains for a request, there has to be at least one, Hideyoshi-kun," 

For every thing he could think of to ask for, however, Hide could not shake the feeling that some awful bad thing could happen. For instance, if he wished for money, where would the money come from? Hide wouldn't want to steal it from someone. Even if it wasn't stolen, the amount of money worth summoning a demon like Kaneki would probably end up driving down the value of the yen and crashing the economy and he just thinks it would be a bad idea, ok???

Oh, well. It's not like Kaneki will be going anywhere for a while. Apparently, until the summon is broken, he's bound to Hide's apartment. But the only way to break it is to find a request and ugh who knew summoning demons would be this  _annoying_. For the tenth time that day, Hide wishes he had just thrown the book in the trash after Rize had handed it to him.  _  
_

Hide tries to fight a yawn, fails, and is surprised to find himself speaking. "So how do you know Rize, anyway? Who the heck is she?"

Kaneki looks up, slightly startled. "Oh, uh... She's actually my sister."

Well, now Hide is wide awake. "Wait, what? Really? You don't look much alike."

"Uh, yeah." Kaneki rubs his nose, embarrassed. "We're half-siblings. I'm actually only a half-demon. That's why everyone at Anteiku was really worried when I disappeared..."

"You were at Anteiku? I never saw you."

"Hmm." Kaneki looks away thoughtfully. "I only recently returned. My mom got sick and I had to take care of her."

A heavy silence descends over the room and Hide almost wishes he hadn't spoken.

Coughing awkwardly, he changes the subject. "So, uh, there are different types of demons, right?" At Kaneki's nod, he asks, "So what kind are you?"

"I'm..."  _Aww, that blush is too cute._ "I'm actually an incubus. Pretty funny, right?" Kaneki laughs and rubs his chin with his left hand. 

"No, not funny," Hide blurts out before he can stop, "You're actually really attractive. If I had a type, it would probably be you." 

A moment of silence. And then-

"Oh my gosh," Kaneki snorts, barely able to speak the words between peals of laughter, "that was so cheesy. That was great!"

Hide makes double pistols with his fingers, points them at Kaneki, and winks.

In his fits of laughter, the book tumbles from Kaneki's lap completely unnoticed.

 They spend the rest of the night making stupid jokes and innuendos at each other, friendship firmly forged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should do a one-shot companion to this story about Kaneki that consists entirely of 50% Off! quotes.  
> Kaneki: "We shall play the greatest sport of all time. _Gay chicken_."  
>  Hide: "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU."  
> Kaneki: "Oh baby I hate it when you leave, but I love watching you go..."  
> (Meanwhile)  
> Touka: SHHHH! SHHH SHHH SHH shhhsh. I smell boys being gay."  
> (Meanwhile meanwhile)  
> Tsukiyama: "Alright man I gotta go. That fly honey from Anteiku is here and I would like to _politely_ ask if he would like to get rowdy in the backroom."
> 
> (I can do this all night but I choose to stop here)  
> ((50% Off! is a parody abridged series of Free! by Octopimp and it can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cs-M5NHTRc&list=PLJVeF2-zu1kGQ7t7UUPwolNWiQHXQUASs). I literally can not stop myself from recommending it at every opportunity. It's way funnier than me go watch it))


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide finally makes a request of Kaneki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, if you have not already read it chapter 4 has been uploaded. *Finally* I am up to date and can stop making these notes at the beginning. (ノ ◑‿◑)ノ
> 
> Just to show you how out of hand this grew- this was supposed to be part 2. It is Tumblr part 8 and AO3 chapter 5.

When Hide wakes up, he finds that at some point he and Kaneki had fallen asleep on his bed together. Blinking away the remnants of sleep, Hide stares at the other boy's face and allows his thoughts to wander in the twilight of half sleep.

Kaneki's face is very pretty. He has long lashes, and lovely soft grey eyes and lightly mussed black hair. Hide wonders idly what it would feel like to run his hands through it. His finger are mere inches from Kaneki when he catches himself, jerking his hand back. 

At the motion, Kaneki's eyes fly open, and in a motion almost to quick to see he flinches away from Hide, arms curled around himself.

Voice thick with sleep, all Hide manages is a throaty, "Uh..."

"Sorry!" Kaneki blurts out, looking panicked. "I've just had bad experience... I mean... I don't like being touched by people I haven't known for a long time. No offense."

Hide pulls a sleepy frown at Kaneki's almost sheepish expression. "No, 's fine... Nothin' to apologize 'bout. I shouldn' 've-" Here Hide is interrupted by a yawn.  _Why does it always take me an hour to wake up? For fuck's sake._ "- Shouldn't have... You know, invaded yer personal space. Got it. No touchin'." Hide is so concentrated on fighting down another yawn that he almost misses Kaneki's quiet murmur of thanks, and unfortunately misses whatever expression he had which could have clued Hide in to what was wrong.

Hide brushes off the apology with a shrug, rubs his nose- and gasps in pain.

"Oh, yeah, wow. You really shouldn't touch that. It's all purple and bruised," At some point Kaneki had crossed the room to hover in front of Hide, looking remarkably like a mother hen.

"I'm fine," Hide winced, gingerly feeling his nose. Well, he's certainly wide awake now. "So... Guess I won't be going out today. I need to find a bandage for this or something." Waving away Kaneki, Hide walks to the bathroom and begin rummaging around in the cupboard for his medicine case. He could have sworn it was right... There it is! Right next to the emergency jug of lotion (for... dry skin. Dry skin in one specific place, for the most part). 

When Kaneki laughs at the bright orange band aid plastered across his face, Hide feels an inexplicable warmth rise in his chest that can't quite be brushed off as friendship.

* * *

 

The rest of their day passes relatively uneventfully. Hide spends the day cleaning ( _Oh god I can't believe Touka came in here there are wrappers **everywhere**_  ), and Kaneki is  _still_ reading the accursed book. Finally after vacuuming everywhere in the room except the spot on the floor where Kaneki is sitting, completely oblivious, Hide pokes him with the vacuum and asks what the hell is taking him so long.

"Oh, I'm re-reading. It's fascinating."

"So wait, do we or do we not have a solution in there."

"Well, if I could find a way to splice together these two-"

"Do we or do we not."

"We do not."

_Bluuuuuhhhhh_

"Hide what are you doing?"

_Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh_

"Why are you rolling around on the floor."

_Bllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_

_"_ Oh my god what is wrong with you why are you so weird."

"Hey!" Hide's head shoots up to stare at Kaneki through narrowed eyes. In his most serious tone, Hide says, "You're a demon. You can't actually say that. Only  _we_ can say that. You can say 'oh em gee', or 'oh muh guh', but you can't actually..." At Kaneki's astonished laughter, Hide trails off, grinning. Man, Kaneki really likes his jokes. That makes him feel really happy for some reason. This is the first in a long time that Hide has felt free to really let loose and bring out his inner jokester. If Hide were in the habit of questioning his instincts, he might be inclined to wonder why he felt so at ease around this boy. To wonder if were perhaps an artificial sense of comfort, something particularly suited to hunting humans might be able to create. Luckily, he was not.

Instead, he thought of something else. Something that his new friend had mentioned last night. "Hey, if you're an incubus, can you teach me how to talk to girls?"

Wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, it takes Kaneki a moment to process what he said. "I... don't know? I mean, I can coach you trough some stuff, but if it's an anxiety thing I can't really help-"

"Nah, it'll be fine. Just paste some string and googly eyes on a paper bag and put it over your head. This'll totally work."

"We are not doing that."

Hide grins. "We are so doing that."

* * *

 

An hour later, at the cornerstore, ignoring the stares of the people around him, he chats with Kaneki on his cell ("Why does a demon need a cellphone. Why does a demon have a cellphone. This is twenty kinds of wrong."), and debating the merits of two different brands of paper bags, when it suddenly hits him. Like a freight truck.

"Hey, Kaneki? Does teaching me count as a request?"

"... Hide, you are a genius."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws chapter in your face* THERE. IT'S OUT JEGUS. I don't even care if it is absurdly short, I just needed to get it out. Next update should be in 2-3 days. Or today if my muse bites me in the ass like it did in the beginning.  
>  ~~do you guys like how utterly unhelpful my chapter summaries are~~


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I have so many PLANS  
> you guys don't even know  
> Tsukiyama is gonna be in the story, the CCG are gonna be in this story ~~juuzou already showed up if you were paying attention~~ and it's a good thing I ended the last chapter there because I would have completely fucked up a plot point. *sweatdrops* Don't worry, I wrote them all down this time so I shouldn't forget  
>  probably

After a few more minutes of excited discussion ("Do you know what this means, Hide? _I get to leave your house and make you some coffee at Anteiku_ ," "Yeeeeessssss,"), Hide grabs the pinkest lunch bag he can fnd and brings it up to the cash register. Smiling, he says goodbye to Kaneki and hands the cashier- a pretty young brunnette whom her name tag claimed was named "Y. Nishio"- his purchase.

"Making lunch for someone?" Miss Nishio winked at him.

Hide laughed, "Sort of," and patted down his jeans for his wallet. Strange, he was sure that he had taken it with him when he left the house...

"Uhh, I think I lost my wallet," Hide thought aloud.

"Oh shit," Nishio whispered. "Here, I'll hold these for you, just come back when you find it,"

Stunned, Hide murmurs thanks her and stumbles out. He is still deep in thought when he enters the apartment, so much so that he doesn't realize Kaneki is speaking to him.

"... listening, Hide?"

Hide blinks. "What?"

Kaneki sighs, "I  _said,_  did you want to make the formal request now? It's better to do it now than to put it off for later."

"Yeah, sure, I just.... Hang on-" Hide strides quickly into his bedroom, to his laundry hamper, and begins rooting through the pockets of every dirty pants he can find. Where is it, where is it, where is it... "What are you doing, Hide?" When was the last time he saw it? He definitely bought something from Anteiku when he was there last. So, two days ago? Did anything strange happen in the interim? "Hey, Hide," But wait, how can he know if he lost it or if it was stolen? Should he report it missing? Oh shit what if someone is out there stealing his identity and- "Hey, whorebiscuit. Pay attention!" 

"What?"  _Oh shit Kaneki stopped talking. He's looking at you. Say something, stupid!_ "Uhh, I wasn't thinking about killing you."

"Aw, thanks! Also not what I was talking about. Good dodge, though,"

"Sorry, I lost my wallet," Hide flashed a blinding grin, "I'm sure I'll find it! I must have misplaced it!"

"Misplaced? Are you sure it wasn't stolen?" Oh no, Kaneki looks concerned. Deflect, deflect, deflect! 

"I'm really absent-minded. I must have misplaced it! It's no big deal. I only had about twenty dollars in there..."  _And my student id. And my debit card. Shit shit shit._ "It's probably around here somewhere.

Kaneki gives him a distinctly uncomfortable look. "If..." He takes a deep breath. "If you make the request now... I can show you someone who can... find it..."

"Woah, what, seriously?" That look of discomfort is really starting to freak Hide out. It's almost like Kaneki is... afraid? But what could a demon possibly be afraid of?

Hide weighs his options. "That's awesome, but if you don't want to, I can look for it on my own..."

"No, it's fine! I just don't like owing Touka-chan favors..." At that, Hide's heart flutters.  _Touka_. In all this madness, Hide had almost forgotten his one true  ~~female~~ love. 

_Wait a second..._ "Touka is a demon?! I mean I knew she was your friend, but-" 

"Oh!" Kaneki is visibly startled at this question. "I- yeah? Everyone at Anteiku is a demon. Most of our customers, too. Didn't you wonder why we had so many demonology books lying around?"

In truth, Hide had not wondered about that. He had just assumed the Manager was a particularly avid fantasy fan.

"I'll report my wallet as stolen, and then we can do your requesty-thingy. And then we can ask Touka to find it."

* * *

"You really should have drawn this right from the start. What if I had been a malicious demon? Or a flesh-eating one? You wouldn't have had any protection from me," Kaneki is chiding him gently as he draws a weird looking circle- "Pentagram!"- on Hide's floor in washable marker.

"Okay, one: I had no idea demons existed. I though it was all some sick joke and Rize had written her number in the margins or something. Two: I can read almost none of that book."

Kaneki looks up to give him a soft frown. Hide raises his eyebrows and purses his lips meaning fully. "Oh, and three, I still say we should have used the pink marker."

Kaneki hums, turning back to his work, and gives a distracted, "Pink wouldn't have shown up well enough. Also no, we are not doing that."

"Never let me have any fun..."

"There!" Kaneki stand, wipes his brow, and grins at Hide. "Okay, just like we practiced."

Hide clears his throat, straightens his posture, and in his best valley girl impression says, "Oh myy  _gawd_ , Kaneki, like, would you totally-" 

"Hide!"

"- like, me a biiig favour? I need you to, like-"

" _Hide oh my god why are doing this_ _,_ "

"-teach me your ways, teach me how to, like, score all the ladies,  _senpai_."

Kaneki doesn't even try to fight his giggles. "Yes, I will- pfft- teach you my ways,  _kouhai._ "

Hide does his best doe-eyed eyelash flutter, and whispers, "Senpai  _noticed_ me,"

At that Kaneki cracks up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now let's see if you can tell which parts are the drunken ramblings and which parts are the sober ramblings! Mwuahah. ~~Hint: there is no difference between them~~


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I got stuck on day 7 of HideHaise week... I literally got it done last night... Anyway, if you haven't already seen it, I wrote a companion piece to this fic [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3983575/chapters/8942224). I highly recommend reading it. It's the summoning scene! From Kaneki's POV! How are you not super curious about that I mean come on.
> 
> Anyway, since it's been so long I'll give a summary in case you've forgotten: Yesterday Hide bumped into a mysterious stranger and the next morning realized his wallet was missing. Hide finally thought of a request suited to Kaneki's weird demon powers, to "teach me how to get the ladies". In return, Kaneki volunteered Anteiku's help to find Hide's missing wallet.

"You know, for a demonic ritual that will sell my soul and damn me for all eternity, that was pretty lame." Hide scrunched his face in comical disgust at the (neon green) bandaid on his finger.

"Lame?" Kaneki said, sounding almost affronted. Hide felt the demon tug the sleeve of his shirt forward and began to walk automatically, allowing Kaneki to lead the way.

"I mean, just look at this. I sold my soul and all I got was a lousy pinprick. When you said I'd have to draw blood I thought you meant like cutting off my hand, or dramatically slashing my wrist or something."

Kaneki stops walking so suddenly that Hide walks into him. "You- what? No. It doesn't- you'd probably die if we did it like that!"

"Yes, but it would be  _an awesome death._ "

Kaneki snorts and continues down the sidewalk. After a moment of pouting at Kaneki's back, Hide jogs to catch up with him.

"And anyway, I'm still saying it was  _lame_. LAME! I mean _come on_ -!"

"Err, Hide, maybe you should lower your voice a bit-"

"-we're talking eternal damnation, the big 'ED'. Well not  _that_ E.D., the  _other_ E.D.-"

"-seriously Hide you don't know who could be listening-"

"-they could have at least splurged for some special effects! Some flashes of lightning, creepy organ music, sinister laughter-"

"Hide!" Kaneki suddenly pulls him into a nearby alleyway, presses him up against the wall, and covers his mouth. "I need you to be quiet for a second, okay? I have got to see if anyone heard you." Kaneki releases his mouth.

"Heard me-" Kaneki cuts him off with a Shh!. Hide rolls his eyes, but this time stays silent as Kaneki backs away form him and peers out of the alley. The slow but steady flow of people past pay him little mind. Kaneki glances quickly from side to side, scanning for something.

What ever he was looking for he apparently does not find, because he comes back with a dissatisfied frown.

Hide opens his mouth- probably to make a smart ass comment- but is interrupted again by Kaneki's worried query of, "Did you feel that?"

Hide blinks. "Feel... What?"

"When you were talking earlier someone used magic. It felt like it was nearby. It could be... hmmm..."

"Could be what?  _Kaneki_ do not leave me hanging like this."

"It's alright, I didn't see any, so we're probably fine. We will be fine." Kaneki does that thing again. Where he rubs his chin with his hand. For some reason the gesture and statement preceding give him an even worse feeling than the one he had been developing.

Kaneki seems to distracted to notice Hide's unease. "Come on, let's go!"

* * *

Luckily the bad feeling has been remedied somewhat by the time they walk through Anteiku's front door.

Which means the incensed cry of "YOU!" and the cloud of fury that is Anteiku's waitress comes as a complete surprise.

"I- " Hide begins.

"We -" Kaneki starts.

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!"

"Touka, I-"

"I'm so sor-"

"CHRIST, YOU IDIOT YOU COULD HAVE DIED OR GOTTEN HURT OR-"

"Woah there, mama bear," says Koma, walking up behind the shaking Touka. "I'm pretty sure they heard you in New York. How about we keep the volume down, uh?"

Touka shoots him a venomous look, but complies with his request as he walks back behind the counter. Still hissing, Touka walks up to Kaneki and pulls him into a fierce hug. "I was worried about you, you idiot."

After a moment, Kaneki raises his arms to encircle her shoulders. "I'm sorry. It's been a long day... I've got a lot to tell you. And I'm really tired-" as if to demonstrate his point, the last part of Kaneki's sentence is swallowed by a yawn.

Touka immediately pulls away, looking alarmed. She quickly glances between Hide and Kaneki. "You two didn't-"

Kaneki makes a strangled noise. " _No!_ And if we did, I'm pretty sure you would know. I'm just a bit... hungry is all."

"Oh, well then that's simple enough." Touka gestures to Hide. "You, feed him."

Hide is understandably a bit confused by the request. "Uh- I have cereal at home, but-"

"No not that food!" Touka makes two oval shapes with her hands and brings them together with a small click of her fingernails. 

_I have no idea what that means._

".... I have no idea what that means."

"Oy!" Koma calls, "You know the rules! No eating in front of the customers! Get a room you two!"

And suddenly Hide understands nothing "What." 

With a sigh, Kaneki tugs his shirt sleeve in the direction of the back of the shop, towards a small door that Hide can not recall being there before. Beyond the door is a small wooden staircase, which leads up to a nice, well-lit hallway. 

"This should be fine," Kaneki says, turning back for the first time to face Hide and- is that a blush reddening his face?

"What are-"

"Just... Stay there for a bit. It won't hurt, and it'll just take a second." Kaneki licks his lips nervously, and before Hide can get another word in edgewise, Kaneki brings his face up to meet his.

Kaneki is kissing Hide. 

_Oh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not where I meant for this to go at all...  
> Not that you guys are complaining, I'm sure. XD


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, sorry about the wait! HideKane Smut week took over my life for a while there. And then my computer deleted this chapter twice, and I got pissy about restarting it... Just an adventure and a half. XD

It's unfortunate that Hide chose the exact moment Touka finished ascending the stairs to pull away and slap Kaneki, he realizes as he is shoved to the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Touka hisses, and Hide swears he can see the pupils of her eyes slit, cat-like, as she clings to Kaneki.

Hide winces and starts to pick himself up.  _Dang, Touka is stronger than she looks.._.

"What the heck was that about?" Kaneki says quietly, and when Hide looks up he seems... confused?

 

" _Dude,_ I should be asking you that. What the  _hell_ was that?" Hide says, unable to stop his voice from rising in pitch. 

"I don't understand," Kaneki shakes his head. "Why did you slap me? Aren't you attracted to me?"

"I- I mean..."

"Because I'm an incubus. A sex demon. I have to feed off of a human's energy."

Hide feels his face paling as Kaneki stares at him with fiery eyes. This was... not quite how he expected he was going to lose his virginity. "I..." he stammered, "you... right here in the hallway? I feel like that would be a bit... uncomfortable, especially with this carpet, you'd get some pretty nasty rug burn-"

"Oh my god," Kaneki dropped his face in his hands, " _No!_ Oh my god, no.  _Kissing_. I can get enough just by kissing.  Jesus, no."

"Oh, well I guess that explains- wait what was with that reaction? Am I not attractive enough for you?"

 

"You both," Touka says, with a disgusted expression, "... are complete idiots."

"You," She pokes Kaneki in the chest, "explain what the hell you are doing before kissing someone. Not everyone sees it as eating like you do. And you," She points at Hide, "just... just shut the hell up for two seconds and listen..." Touka trailed off and walked a few steps down the hallway to one of the other doors, shaking her head and muttering about 'morons'.

 

Kaneki and Hide stared after her in a stunned silence. 

"Uh-" "So-"

"..."

"Listen," Kaneki laughs nervously, "it's just a kiss, once a day or so. It would have been on the list of things to teach you anyway. If you're really skeeved out about it, I can find someone else, but it will just be easier if you do it."

 _Being grossed out isn't the issue_ , Hide thought to himself.  _In fact, it's kind of the opposite of that..._

"So, there won't be any, um," Hide makes a lewd gesture with his hands, and Kaneki blushes. 

"... I already gave you an answer to that."

"What? No you didn't!"

"I- I'm just not interested in having sex, okay?! With you or anyone!"

"... I meant the kissing with the tongue thing..."

 

Kaneki slaps the palm of his hand against his forehead and grimaces. "Ok, lesson one,  _never do that thing with your hands ever again_. Lesson two: for the love of god, please use actual English to describe what you are talking about next time."

Hide ponders this. "... I promise only to try."

The demon sighs.

* * *

 

"Kaneki!" Hinami cries, throwing herself at the brunet.  

"Woah, hold on there, give me a chance to get inside," He laughs, almost stumbling backwards through the open door and into Hide.

Hide, for his part is looking around excitedly. They had just entered the door across from the one Touka had gone into, and are looking into an adorable little sitting room, with several comfy looking couches and end tables piled high with books. From the glimpses he can see of them, all the covers of the books are written in the same weird language Rize's book was written in. And somehow, it seems if he lets his eyes rest over the cover, the words begin to blur into Japanese... With a start Hide realizes that Kaneki has been talking to Hinami this entire time and that he's missed most of the conversation.  _  
_

"... can find it for him, right Hide?" Kaneki looks to the blond, who can only mumble an affirmation. 

The tiny girl smiles angelically at him. "It will be no problem at all, Mister Hide, especially since you brought my big brother back to us so soon!" Kaneki laughs nervously at that, and changes the subject before Hide can pursue that line of thought.  _Cheater_.

"So, Hinami, about finding that wallet..."

Hinami nods, closes her eyes, and clasps her hands in prayer.

After a few moments of nothing happening, Hide gets sick of being left out of the loop. "..What's happening?" he whispers.

Kaneki frowns and puts a finger to his lips, but still hisses back, "She's divining the location. Now Shh!"

"You Shh!"

"Shhh!"

"Shhh!"

"Shhh!"

"Boys," Hinami says sweetly, cracking open an eye to look at them. The hairs on the back of Hide's neck rise when he notices it's completely black except for her blood red pupil. "If you can't be quiet," she continues, "I  _will_ throw you out. Not let me concentrate."

Everything is silent for the next ten minutes until Hinami's eyes flash open and her voice rings out with an odd timbre to it, almost as if it was echoing in the small room.

The spot she directed them to was not far off, so Hide and Kaneki opted to walk.

In silence, they trudged out of Anteiku and began winding their way through the streets of Tokyo.

"... Kaneki? Can I ask you a question?"

"... Yeah?"

"Why the hell are all the girls in your life fucking crazy?"

Kaneki dissolves into a fit of giggles at that.

* * *

"Oh my god, thank you so much!" Hide cries, hugging his (rather rank-smelling, since it had been found in a dumpster) wallet to himself.

"It's no problem," the police officer laughs, "I'm just glad you realized it was missing and came to find it. We sent a letter to your home address, but you can just ignore that now, I guess."

Hide thanks the department profusely a few more times before saying his farewells and walking toward the exit. When he leaves, Kaneki is not leaning against the side of the building in the spot he said he would.

"... Kaneki?" Hide calls, unsure. 

Picking a random direction, Hide begins walking down the street, carefully scanning the crowds for the demon's distinctive figure. Just as he walks an alleyway, someone pulls on his shirt and gently tugs him into the mouth of the alley. 

"Kane-" Hide begins, relieved, but his smile fades at the unfamiliar face.

"Hello there young man, my name is Father Mado, and this is Father Amon. I hope you don't mind answering a few of my questions..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah and for those of you who didn't already see it, I did a little smutlet for this AU for [HideKane Smut Week](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4185555/chapters/9477450).


End file.
